Satire: Patterson to Change Shirts More Often This Year

Despite numerous injuries and two difficult to swallow losses, TCU generally had a successful season in 2015. After finishing the year 10-2, the Horned Frogs produced one of the greatest comebacks in college football history by overcoming a 31 point deficit to win in triple overtime against the Oregon Ducks in the Alamo Bowl.

Among the many other factors that contributed to TCU’s stunning victory, head coach Gary Patterson credits the victory to changing his shirt from a black long-sleeved to a purple short-sleeved shirt at half-time.

Patterson notes that while it has been 8 months since the Alamo Bowl, that moment and the incredible success that followed are still fresh in his mind.

“I plan to change shirts a lot more often this year to try and build off all our recent success,” said Patterson, wearing a white polo. “We’ve been working really hard on making this a much larger part of our game plan this year. It’s been a bit of an adjustment, but I think we’re making good progress with it.”

Patterson explained that rather than relying on just purple or black options, a far too limited color spectrum, he has vastly expanded his TCU wardrobe to include even non-school color polos and shirts.

“I’ve got some lime green, some turquoise. You name it, I’ve probably got it. It’s gotten to be so much that we’ve had to bring on 2 new graduate assistants just to manage the equipment,” said Patterson, suddenly wearing a purple track suit.

Patterson noted that he believes he waited far too long to change shirts during games last year, particularly in their blowout loss to Oklahoma State, and hopes this year will be different.

“I may change shirts between plays or even during the play if it doesn’t go quite right,” said Patterson, now sporting a rainbow tank top. “We’ve been running drills and have got the process pretty synchronized so that we can do it quickly and efficiently. Got a bad snap? Change the shirt and convert that snap into a 1^st down. Simple as that. I firmly believe that if I’d changed my shirt at 30 times during the OU game, we would have won that game and possibly even the conference.”

With the new approach this year, Patterson hopes that TCU can overcome some unknowns heading into the year, particularly on offense where they graduated key players at wide receiver and quarterback.

“You can’t know everything going into the season,” said Patterson, in a fuzzy, yellow turtleneck. “You don’t know if someone will get injured or who will have a breakout season, but you can control your wardrobe, and that’s what I intend to do.”

Patterson noted that this new “fashion management” approach has been working well in practice.

“Sometimes the guys aren’t performing well, working as hard as we need them to,” said Patterson, now profusely sweating in a blue parka, “but a quick fashion adjustment usually does the trick. It’s getting to where all I have to do is start unbuttoning the top of my shirt and they pick up the pace. The team is really responding well to the new system.”

Patterson said this approach has worked well off the field also.

“We went to Chili’s one night and the kitchen got the wrong food,” said Patterson, wearing what we think was just a garbage bag with holes for the head and arms. “I got up, took off my shirt, and they brought out the right food right away. I didn’t even finish changing my shirt before they were responding, so the message seems to be getting out.”

Patterson said that he’s to ready change his shirt hundreds, if not thousands of times during the season if it means competing for a Big 12 title.

“Winning takes focus and sacrifices,” said Patterson under a bedsheet with holes for eyes, “and if looking good is the sacrifice I need to make, I’ll make it every time.”