2012 NFL Draft Diary

Welcome to our 2012 NFL draft diary on PFB, where the homemade brew flows like the salmon of capistrano and Brandon Weeden is never not better than Ryan Tannehill. Pull up a seat and stay a while while we get going with Round 1 of this year’s draft.

6:14 – I was going to get started around 7 PM but I couldn’t help myself once I saw Schefty break the Vikes-Browns trade followed by Mort promising me that the Browns were trading to get Richardson followed by Peter King saying it was possibly for Blackmon. Thanks for the insider info, guys!

6:20 – Good to see Akili Griffin went for the “baby blue with stripes and a purple tie complete with maroon and yellow socks that say words on them but wait I’m still more humble than you are” look. Totally understated.

6:25 – Wife just asked me if the NFL knows who to invite to the first round of the draft by “just going straight down the list, 1-32?” Me: “What list?” Her: “This sports stuff is baffling.”

6:26 – Ask wife to pass me one of my homemade beers.

6:27 – Am I crazy for objectively (yeah, right) thinking that Weeden has a chance to be as good if not better than Griffin in the league? It’s almost like that’s a completely dismissed idea even though he was better last year in college and just as good this year. Seriously, am I crazy? You can tell me!

6:31 – Good to see ESPN out in front of things tonight with their TV MA (S) rating just in case McShay starts touching himself inappropriately after Tannehill gets drafted.

6:34 – Serious question: if Matt Barkley had come out this year, where would he get drafted? McShay said Tannehill and him are pretty much the same and the whole world thinks Griffin is better. Would Cleveland take him at #3? Would he fall to the Dolphins at #8? Would Pete Carroll trade his entire secondary and all his picks until 2038 to move up and draft him? I need answers, people!

6:37 – Mel Kiper has been covering the draft since Brandon Weeden was born?? This can’t be a real thing, can it?

6:39 – Me: “Are you judging me for watching this?” Wife: “Are you judging me for not painting my toenails?” This portion of the diary could easily be more entertaining than the actual draft.

6:41 – Only 27 guys in the ESPN studio tonight. Stop shorting us!

6:42 – They’re introducing all the first rounders right now, it’s basically three white guys, Blackmon, and all the guys with dreadlocks they could possibly find.

6:43 – Who invited Rueben Randle? Seriously, why is he there?

6:45 – Wife said she likes Georgia Tech’s Stephen Hill because “he has a nice clean haircut and he smiled for the crowd.”

6:47 – How many times did they have to give Morris Claiborne directions to the draft? Or did they just hire him a driver? Hiring him a driver probably would have been easier.

6:50 – Wife: “Are they booing Luck or saying ‘Dreeeeeeewwwwwww’?” She’s awesome to watch this with, seriously I should rent her out to people for major sporting events or something.

6:55 – Tannehill looks like he just received a ransom note for his wife from a Venezuelan gang, he’s running away with this year’s “I’m not real sure what I’m doing here but I’m just going to fake it until they kick me out” award.

6:56 – I feel like Stephen McGee FedExed Tannehill his suit from the 2009 draft and also that it’s never been washed.

6:58 Berman: “We could be looking at this draft and comparing QBs for years to come, right guys?!” Gruden: “Yep.” [10 second pause]. Off to a roaring start, fellas!

7:00 – “It could be quick or it could be really long” -Ryan Tannehill

7:01 – “This Griffin/Luck Nas rap thing to introduce the draft was such a great idea, let’s give whoever thought of it a promotion and a raise” -None of the executives at ESPN.

7:02 – Wife on Luck: “Bless his heart, he’s so ugly.”

7:04 – Why do all the on-the-scene reporters look like holograms? Is this, like, a 2012 thing or what?

7:06 – Rachel Nichols (ESPANNNNN) reporting the Dolphins haven’t drafted a QB in the first round since Dan Marino, so Tannehill seems like a good place to start, right?

7:08 – Tannehill effeminately punching the air in his neon green Under Armour shirt in the pre-draft video as Ray Lewis narrated everything was the most Tannehill thing ever.

7:10 – What year is Andrew Luck’s phone from?? And why is he grinning manically into it? I picture Jim Irsay on the other end whispering “you’re better than Peyton, I would have paid Peyton to leave, I don’t even know who Peyton is. Can’t wait to see you, Andy, hugs and kisses. Bye!”

7:11 – Wife: “I feel guilty for watching this and condoning the behavior of those strange fans celebrating draft picks.”

7:12 – Wife: “They already have a uniform printed? What if they pick someone different? What if their player gets stolen? Do they print one for everyone there? Why do you not have answers to these questions?”

7:15 – Griffin’s fiance looks about as excited about him getting picked #2 overall as I do. Maybe she knows….

7:17 – Goodell and Griffin just hugged for an amount of time that made McShay and Tannehill uncomfortable.

7:18 – Rich Eisen (I switched over from ESPN after the Luck pick, that’s all I could last there) just told us that they have a hot iron backstage to put names on the back of jerseys as players get drafted. Wife’s curiosity is satisfied.

7:20 – Schefty (I switched back) is telling me the Jags are trying to trade up to #5 so they can take Blackmon. I can’t take five years of Sunshine throwing ducks to #81. Somebody intervene, somebody with a real quarterback. Please.

7:23 – Honestly, how many times do you think you’ve seen the Trent Richardson stop-and-go move highlight ? 55.5 seems like a good over/under?

7:24 – Now Goodell and Richardson’s hug made the one with Griffin look like an obligatory handpound. What is happening here, I thought Goodell was going to mouth kiss him for at least a second.

7:27 – How have we gone 27 minutes with zero Tebow references?

7:29 – Do you have to have a bushy beard to be in the Kalil family? And finally a normal-length .2 second man-hug!

7:31 – Nooooooooooooooo!

7:32 – Goodell: “The Jacksonville Jaguars select Justin Blackmon with the #5 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.”

7:33 – Nooooooooooooooo!

7:34 – I’m happy for Blackmon, and he looked genuinely excited to be there, but going from Weeden throwing you piss rods to Gabbert and Henne two hopping 15-yard outs to you is like going from dating Brooklyn Decker in college to marrying Drew Berrymore one year out of college. In other words, not something you want to entertain.

7:37 – This is an absolute circus right now: what happened to the days when every pick took 14:59? This has to be a record for least time elapsed by the time the sixth pick was made. Where’s the Schwab at when I need him?

7: 40 – The Cowboys just traded up for the rights to light their entire secondary on fire and just let Morris Claiborne go 1-on-4 for the entire 2012 season.

7:42 – I love all these semi-drunk New Yorkers booing the crap out of Roger Goodell for little to no reason. They’re the best.

7:43 – Cowboys take Morris Claiborne, gotta give it to Jerry, they aren’t big on the Rhodes Scholars down in Irving (Dez, Claiborne…)

7:45 – How much better are these Nike uniforms than whatever they were last year? Was it Reebok? Is it a bad sign for Reebok that I legitimately don’t know?

7:47 – I feel like Jon Gruden goes to one of those vocational schools where they train barbers and you can get a haircut for like $2.50. I mean I’m pretty sure he goes to one of those places.

7: 50 – Berman taking shots at Gruden’s Super Bowl appearance a decade ago. We might be looking at an actual Berman hologram for the second half of the show…

7: 52 – Bucs just took Mark Barron. Uh, where does OSU get one of these? Can we get a package deal on one of these and a Jordan Henriquez for the 2012-2013 school year?

7: 55 – Ryan Tannehill (and his 12-7 record at QB) just got picked. I’m stunned even though I knew it was going to happen. 1.5 million people just Googled “Ryan Tannehill girlfriend” by the way.

7:56 – Tannehill looks like HE can’t even believe what just happened. “They know I’m a WR and I was just helping out at QB for the last two years because Jerrod couldn’t throw after his surgery and everybody else was a freshman, right?”

7:57 – Goodell whispering to Tannehill while they shake hands “what are you doing up here so early?” Tannehill: “I have no clue.”

7:58 – If you’re going in the top 10 then preparing to sit behind Matt Moore…doesn’t that kind of answer all the questions?

7:59 – Where’s McShay right now? Is he touching himself? Is that why they can’t show him? I halfway bet myself he’d be sitting between Tannehill and his wife at the green room table. How awesome would that have been?

8:00 – They just showed a clip of Tannehill egregiously missing a wide open Swope against Arkansas from four yards away. This should end well.

8:04 – The Bills are on the clock. I feel like the Bills have been on the clock since Thurman Thomas retired.

8: 08 – Bills take a defensive back from South Carolina. Did you know SC gave up 131 passing yards/game? Good gosh, that was 40 yards better than LSU.

8:09 – Wow, Goodel just re-shattered (for the third time) his “longest post pick pre introduction” hug record. This one might have lasted 7+ seconds.

8:10 – Berman and Gruden are trading Dontari (Edgar Allan) Poe  puns. Is this thing almost over?

8:11 – Poe (who played at Memphis) has somebody who may or may not be Daryl Strawberry absolutely losing his mind at the table he’s at while Poe quietly chats on the phone. They should make the “people who make it to the table of an NFL or NBA prospect at the draft” reality TV show. They could do it Bachelor-style, I can see Chris Harrison now: “I’m sorry Dontari, your third cousin lost the “court the commissioner” game and will not be getting a rose tonight. I’d watch.

8:15 – As my buddy Oss pointed out, when’s the last time an All-Conference USA second teamer got taken in the first 12 picks?

8:18 – The Eagles just traded up to draft Fletcher Cox which means they definitely aren’t letting Andy Reid manage the draft pick clock or he would have let it run out and given their pick away to Arizona.

8:19 – The Goodel-Cox hug will never be topped, by anything.

8:21 – The Cardinals told Larry Fitzgerald they’d draft Michael Floyd for him. I bet he’d be happier if they drafted a QB who wasn’t Kevin Kolb or John Skelton for him. But what do I know?

8:23 – Cardinals take Floyd, Fitzgerald is ecstatic! Or something.

8: 25 – Wow, the Floyd-Goodel hug almost topped the Cox-Goodel hug. These things need their own bracket, they’re like wine, they just keep getting better and better as the night goes on.

8: 28 – The draft hats aren’t terrible this year, I wouldn’t wear one, but that’s a step up from some past years when I didn’t even want to look at one.

8: 31 – Rams just took Michael Brockers (DT, LSU). This brings up an important point: let’s say you were a blind GM (like, literally) and you wanted to build a contender…wouldn’t you basically take QBs from SC, DBs from The U, and DTs from LSU and just let it ride? I feel like you don’t even really need to watch film on LSU DTs…they’re all the same, aren’t they?

8:33 – I actually feel sorry for Bradford with the Rams missing out on Blackmon. Here are his receivers right now: Danario Alexander, Danny Amendola, Brandon Gibson, Austin Pettis, Greg Salas, and (the wrong) Steve Smith. Ouch.

8:35 – The Seahawks just took a LB from West Virginia (with a boatload of off-the-field trouble) who Mel Kiper is apparently not a fan of, so if you’re a ‘Hawks fan, you gotta feel great about it! No, seriously, you do!

8: 37 – Gruden: “Tebow gets more publicity than the rest of the league combined.” Kind of true.

8:40 – I think Chris Berman and Ryan Tannehill buy their suits at the same store.

8:42 – Jets take Quinton Coples, Jets fans boo. I feel like the Jets could take Griffin, Luck, and Richardson with one pick and Jets fans would still boo.

8: 45 – We’re halfway through the first round with not a Weeden in sight, will he get taken tonight or have to wait until Friday?

8:47 – I just realized the Raiders gave Cincy a first round pick for Carson Palmer. Great idea. Bengals take Dre Kirkpatrick with the pick. Kiper says they need him because Pacman Jones has “been in and out of trouble.” Uh, when has Pac been “out of trouble, Mel?”

8:48 – Wow, Kirkpatrick rocking the polka dot tie with the red sweater vest and gray suit, giving Kendall Wright a run for his Draft Night suit Heisman money. Great look.

8: 50 – Chargers are at the podium and take Melvin Ingram ending his semi-Brady Quinn-esque night.

8:51 – Ingram completes a 7-step handshake with Goodel. I feel like the Mayans are pulling puppet strings at this point and we’re all just watching.

8: 53 – Gruden lets us know that Ingram is the deluxe package. So is he making tackles or is he a software program for your Mac?

8:54 – Kiper is worried about his short arms. I don’t even have a joke.

8:58 – Bears take the fourth white guy of the first round (Shea McClellin), it’s weird to see a Boise St. guy, a Baylor guy, and a Memphis guy taken before anybody from Texas, Ohio State, or The U.

9:00 – Titans take Kendall Wright and Kendall Wright’s belly. Kidding, I really like Wright and felt like he got the shaft in what became the RG3 tornado of hype. Hopefully the Titans can find eventually find somebody who’s capable of throwing him a deep ball.

9:01 – I’m declaring Wright the suit Heisman winner of the night. Gray suit, light pinstripes, light pink shirt, dark pink tie, nothing crazy, just solid and maybe a tad understated.

9:01 – #BoomBoomBoom

9:03 – They just showed Weeden chilling on his couch looking about as nervous as I’ve ever seen him look. Gruden just said, “you guys talk about this guy like he’s 50 years old!” Wait, people make jokes about his age?

9:05 – Gruden with the line of the night to Kiper, “you’re worried about short arms and short guys and I’m worried about complete passes and guys that have a cannon like Weeden.”

9:06 – Mel responds with, “when he’s pressured, his accuracy drops just a little.” Is there somebody who’s accuracy goes up when they’re pressured?

9:09 – How many girls is Clint Chelf watching this with at Joe’s right now? 20ish at least?

9:10 – Pats take Chandler Jones from Syracuse who looks like a cross between Donovan McNabb and Dave Chappelle if they were both 55 years old.

9:11 – Kiper assures us that he has “rare arm length”…might as well have seen if Brandon Bass or Hakim Warick were available then.

9:12 – Wow, Browns pick is already in, that was quick. Are we about to have a pair of Cowboys in the top 25 picks?

9:13 – Yes, we are. Brandon Weeden gets taken with pick #22 to the Cleveland Browns.

9:14 – Weeden looks like he’s trying to pass a kidney stone the size of a cantaloupe for about 15 seconds before delivering a trademark fist pump to cap off what has been a thrilling 889 day ride that started with that dart to #81 in the Colorado game.

9:15 – Weeden2Massaquoi!

9:16 – Gruden: “he beat everyone the NCAA had to offer.”

9:17 – They just showed the seam route to Cooper in Austin from an overhead view. I contend that was the prettiest ball Weeden threw all year.

9:18 – This is…pretty awesome.

9:20 – Really cool moment honoring the troops on stage with Goodel shaking each hand while the crowd chants “USA! USA!”

9:24 – Megatron strolls out with the commish to make the Lions pick. This is weird, why is he doing this? Is he going to intern with the commissioner’s office after he blows out his knee in the first game to satiate the Madden curse gods?

9:25 – High unintentional comedy with Mega announcing the Riley Reiff pick for Detroit. Those two will say, what, 11 words to each other all year?

9:28 – You can add “Iowa OL” to that “USC QB, Miami DB, LSU DT” list above.

9:30 – Pittsburgh just hit the “draft now” button on their Yahoo browser in like .003 seconds on David DeCastro. Two white guys from Stanford in the first round. Where are we at in society?

9:34 – Pats trade up (Mayans) to take Dont’a Hightower at #25. As a “I can’t live in a world where Eli has one fewer Super Bowl than Brady” club member, I’m disappointed Belichick isn’t trading up to get Tommy some more weapons (Blackmon, Wright, etc.)

9:35 – Berman: “for the second straight year, four Alabama players are gone in the first round.” Goodness.

9:38 – Texans snag Whitney Mercilus (pronounced “MERCY-less” by Roger Goodel) which is might be the best name for a defensive end I’ve ever seen.

9:40 – Gruden tells us MERCY-less “needs to improve in the briar patch.” I’m fading.

9:41 – Whoa, we almost had a TMZ moment with some girl in a 15-inches-too-short skirt at MERCY-less’ draft party. Now I’m fading and I’m rattled AND I’m on my third beer. I have no idea what’s coming out of my keyboard for these next six picks.

9:45 – Kiper is completely checked out right now, it looks like he’s reading an almanac while Berman rambles on. Gruden looks like he’d rather be screaming at Kellen Moore. I actually wouldn’t mind a McShay-Tannehill interview right now as long as they kept the shot waist up.

9:47 – Bengals take Kevin Zeitler from Wisconsin. Whatever. They should hold a linemen draft separate from the skill position player draft. Cut the fat on the broadcast. Literally.

9:49 – Packers take Nick Perry, DE from SC.

9:51 – Perry has elbow patches on his suit, outstanding, love me some elbow patches. He’s not taking the suit Heisman from Wright, but still pretty strong.

9:53 – Vikes trade up to the Ravens spot at #29 to take a white safety from Notre Dame not named Zbikowski.

9:55 – 49ers on the clock. I would have physically harmed other bloggers for Weeden to replace small hands Smith here. Alas, they took AJ Jenkins, WR Illinois. Remind me again why Rueben Randle is at the draft.

9:57 – There’s a 17-year old sitting at the Buccaneers draft table. That explains a lot.

9:58 – Tampa takes a running back from Boise. See: 9:57 note. Also if you told me “RB from Boise named Doug Martin” I would have said “99.8% chance he’s white.” He’s not.

9:59 – Giants on the clock, maybe they’ll just take somebody to clean up Eli’s drool puddles.

10:01 – Goodel trolling with a “world champion New York Giants” line as he announces the pick. David Wilson, RB from Va. Tech is the pick.

10:04 – That’s all for tonight, appreciate you guys reading. Don’t forget to check out the Bullets for all kinds of articles on Weeden2Blackmon2Jags&Browns. We have a lot more fun draft/Lunt stuff coming next week!