Satire: Gundy’s Mullet to Become Part of OSU Uniforms

In the offseason, buzz is everything.

Fans and media alike circulate stories about which team is practicing better, has the better spring game, returns the most starters, picks up the best recruits, etc.

For the Oklahoma State Cowboys, things have been no different. From prolific wide receiver James Washington to the continuing rise of OSU’s next great quarterback Mason Rudolph and the return of a Barry Sanders to the running back position, there has been plenty to talk about.

However, the biggest buzz, or perhaps lack of buzz, has centered on the back of coach Mike Gundy’s head. Sporting an “Arkansas waterfall” or mullet, Gundy’s hair has drawn a surprising following, particularly from OSU athletic director, Mike Holder.

“We love the Gullet (Gundy mullet),” said Holder. “It may arguably be the greatest thing to come out of Mike’s (Gundy) head since the diamond formation.”

Holder explained that this, combined with fan support of the new style, has led them to make a last minute addition to the new uniforms the Cowboys will unveil this year.

“We’ve always wanted the designs and branding for all OSU apparel to match our culture and traditions here in Stillwater,” said Holder, “which is why we’re adding mullets to all football helmets from this point forward.”

Holder said that a mullet seemed like a natural fit when considering how the Cowboys brand has expanded in recent years.

“We used to have a pretty standard uniform like most universities,” said Holder, lightly stroking a mullet on a wig stand, “but we’ve expanded our designs to include chrome, throwback helmets, and this year, sheriff stars and bandana material. Now we’ll be the first university to include synthetic hair as part of the helmet and overall design. Can you believe it?”

Head coach Mike Gundy, the originator of this recent uniform adjustment, noted that he is flattered by the change but doesn’t take full credit for it either.

“You know, my stylist works hard every week to keep my hair the way it is,” said Gundy. “She’s dedicated and focused and really works on her technique. You can really see how much time she spends watching haircutting film. We’re really pleased with her progress up to this point and moving forward.”

When asked if he or the defensive players would get in on the mullet craze, defensive coordinator Glenn Spencer said, “It’s not what grows on your head that counts, but what grows out of your heart. Are you playing for the guys next to you with violence and intensity or are you distracted by material concerns? These are things we talk about a lot every week.”

Former Stanford running back Sanders noted that he thought the mullet would be a welcome addition to the uniform.

“We’re excited about it,” said Sanders, looking suspiciously like a 48-year-old man wearing a fake mustache. “You know, me and the other young guys who all still have our eligibility, we love any throwback to the 80s. It was a golden time, a golden time.”

Other players, including Washington, also gave the mullet helmets their approval.

“The hair actually gives me extra lift when I go up for the ball,” said Washington, running sprints around the clump of reporters. “It’s like having a tiny hang glider stuck to the back of my head. It isn’t really powerful, but every little bit counts, you know?”

Holder, still stroking the wig, said that fans will be able to purchase commemorative versions of the helmet in the next few weeks.

When asked why fans couldn’t just grow their own mullets, Holder abruptly ended the interview and frantically seemed to be calling someone on his phone and repeatedly yelling, “Code orange!”