Satire: OSU Probably Fielding Best Team of All Time

You heard it here first, folks.

After months of eager anticipation, Oklahoma State fans will finally get to watch the greatest team to ever play the game take the field against the Central Michigan Chippewas. Led by coaches who will probably each have their own statues after this year, this team is poised to run roughshod over the likes of Baylor, TCU, and eventually Bama and the Ohio State in the College Football Playoff.

And they plan to do it with style.

“Two words: blowout shutout,” said mega-booster T. Boone Pickens describing OSU’s projected dominance.

The blowout part of that equation should come with relative ease for the dynamic offense led by Mason Rudolph. While only starting his 4th game ever, Rudolph is a projected shoe-in for the Heisman and the College Football Hall of Fame.

Rudolph won’t be alone in his legendary performance as he will be joined in the backfield by dynamic running backs Jeff Carr and Chris Carson. Carr’s skillset has often been compared to the greatest running back of all time, Barry Sanders, while Carson is a mirror image for Adrian Peterson, another college great despite his unfortunate choice in school.

With Sanders (Carr) and Peterson (Carson) in the backfield with Peyton-Manning-crossed-with-Brandon-Weeden (Rudolph), one can only imagine how many points this team can score.

And fans around Stillwater agree.

“They’ve [Carr and Carson] both got the word ‘car’ in their name, so you know they’re going to run over the competition,” said the owner of the Git ‘N’ Go.

Fans can expect more than just historic offense this year.

OSU looks to display the most dominant defense since Rutgers and Princeton first kicked around the pigskin. Deep at every position aside from defensive tackle, this team plans to not only stop the opponent’s offense but use turnovers to help run up the score.

“They’re [OSU’s defense] gonna score more points than the other team every game,” said some guy I met in line at the Food Pyramid. “They’ll be like a brick wall, but a brick wall that can catch and run really well. So a brick wall with hands and feet. Think about that. That’s no kind of monster I’d want to face.”

With this much offensive and defensive fire power, OSU’s special teams might be left behind.

“Man that kid, what’s his name, Rogen?” said a strange woman yelling at me across the parking lot. “Rogen is gonna need to get a comfortable chair since he’ll spend most of his time there this season. Heck, they don’t even need to have him put on pads. They’ll go for 2 every time! Hey, stop running, I’ve got more to say!”

After escaping, we managed to catch up with head coach Mike Gundy to ask him about his thoughts on being guaranteed a national title.

“Unless there’s a title in dancing, I don’t think I’m guaranteed anything,” said Gundy. “But I appreciate the support. We go out there every day and work hard and it’s nice to get the support of the fans. Sometimes you do your best and folks don’t appreciate it and sometimes they do. Not much we can do about that other than work hard and stay hydrated.”

Gundy then promptly downed a cup of orange koolaid and walked back to the practice field.