Satire: Texas Tech Defense Mostly “Just Hanging out” on the Field

Texas Tech’s hopes for a Big 12 title have been all but destroyed at this point.

Having lost two games in a row to TCU and Baylor, frontrunners for the Big 12 crown, the Red Raiders have failed to deliver in arguably their biggest games of the year. A large part of this failure rests on the defense.

Tech has allowed an average of 41.4 points per game, putting them 123rd in scoring defense in the country. That statistic includes giving up 45 points to FCS opponent Sam Houston State and a combined 118 points in the last two games, though those games came against two of the top offenses in the country.

Despite these struggles, head coach Kliff Kingsbury was confident in Tech’s ability to bounce back with a win against Iowa State this weekend and not crumble into a heap of errors and self-doubt as in years past.

“We’re committed to our system,” said Kingsbury. “We throw the ball a lot and try to get the ball back as quickly as possible, and sometimes the most effective way to do that is to let the other team score.”

Kingsbury said that he’s pleased overall with how the offense has played and is glad the defense lines up correctly.

“We try to set clear expectations for our defense, and having 11 men on the field at a time is our number one objective on defense,” said Kingsbury, suddenly wearing a three-piece suit. “We’re still working on having the right guys out there at a given time, but you have to pick your battles.”

Senior linebacker Micah Awe said he and the defense have been trying to keep things loose after the disappointing showing in the first few games.

“You know, we’re just out there, trying to hang out and have a good time,” said Awe. “Every now and then someone throws a football past us, sometimes they run it, and coach [David] Gibbs yells at us, but you can’t let that get to you. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.”

Gibbs, Tech’s defensive coordinator, said that he’s just glad they put on helmets.

“I spent a week teaching them to tie their shoes,” said Gibbs, already drinking. “We’re still working on lining up all our fingers in the gloves on the first try. It’s been a real struggle.”

Awe said that the unity of the defense has helped him to stay optimistic.

“We’re all binge watching the same shows during the game,” said Awe. “Man, that’s why I want to get off the field. I gotta find out how he met those kids’ mother. That show is hilarious! I’ve tried to get Netflix in my helmet, but coach King[sbury] said we won’t get that until next year, so I guess we’ll just have to make do. That’s what defense is all about: adapting.”

Looking ahead to Iowa State, Kingsbury said that the best thing that the team can do at this point is forget the past and keep their focus on the future.

“We’ve still got a shot at narrowly missing out on a bowl game,” said Kingsbury, “and we intend to make the most of that opportunity.”